You Say Its Your Birthday!!

This weekend my gorgeous sister Bekah came to visit from Salt Lake City. We had a fun weekend. She came in on Thursday eve and although I had to work on Friday, she made herself at home by going down to the Beach. We went on Friday to Indian food at Bombay in Ontario, and then went to Smogdance, the poor man's Sundance ,in Pomona. There was a film Andrea, my roommate, and I were interested in seeing. The short was called the "Constant Process" It is documentary by an LDS man Douglas Hunter, about Susan Russell, a lesbian Episcopalean priest. I felt myself nodding and my heart beating faster in recognition of the truth of Christ's teachings to love one another, which is really the message I took from the documentary. I wished that more of Douglas Hunter's perspective was in the documentary, this was not included at all. As an LDS person still struggling with how I feel on the whole Prop 8 thing, I am interested in hearing perspectives from other LDS people, and I think his perspective would have been a peculiar one, seeing as he has been able to spark up a friendship with this priest. Maybe we'll hear more from him. The next day, we got to go see our brother Josh and his wife Kelly. They happened to be in Simi Valley this weekend,so we opted to drive to see them. It was awesome to see them. That night my roommates took me out, not sure of where we were going, as it was a surprise for my birthday. We drove down to...L.A...and went to a place that I've wanted to go, the Bonaventure Hotel...up at the top...went there to watch the sunset and have some appetizers and drinks. It was amazing. It is a revolving restaurant, so in an hours time you are able to see all of the L.A. valley. I loved it. It was really surreal to be surrounded by these awesome friends and my sister. It's been 3 years since i moved here to California, and seriously my life has opened up. I have had so many experiences that I had asked for and prayed for. I am loving living here. And love the fact that I can be in L.A. for my birthday. We then went to a little dive restaurant called the Redwood Bar and Grill, which had a pirate theme. Very cool. I loved every minute of it. Happy Birthday to Me!! This next year is going to be great.

Are we there yet?

Lots has been happening. I finally finished my Psychology bachelor's of science. the girls and I took a short weekend to Vegas. Had sushi at Nobu at the Hard Rock Hotel, did some shopping and went to our favorite piano bar at the Paris hotel. It was a great weekend. I was with the perfect girlfriends, Andrea and Elizabeth. Vegas always does something to me. It is so extreme in so many ways, it always takes me a few days or months to get back in the groove. Its almost as if it confuses me, that kind of mesmerizing confusion. Its fun while your in the middle of it, but I am happy to be back in Laid Back California. As I walked out of my last algebra class knowing that it was the completion of my degree I felt such a strong urge to scream out loud...Free at Last, Free at Last...and so happy and thankful that I had the will and determination to finish. It was definitely not easy. but it was definitely worth it. I will be walking all pomp and circumstancial in June and I can't wait. Josh and Kelly got me the perfect gift for graduation...Killers Tickets to see them in Sacramento and the plane ticket to get there. Thank you to them. I cannot wait until September. I have been thinking a lot lately about the age old question..which part is mine? and which part is God's? I am still asking this, sometimes pretty frequently. Why do i have the need to control? I have started meditating in the morning, it is supposed to help with the overthinking and the need to understand and identify every detail of every emotion and thought. Am I fighting a losing battle? No, I don't think so..i do think that I have a long way to go. I do know that i have excellent friends and family support. And I have U.2. In the last few years U2's music has been a bit of a spiritual strength to me. I went for a drive today and while I was driving and singing had a bit of a cathartic moment with Bono from Joshua Tree.... Red Hill Mining Town. "I'm hanging on..You're all thats left to hold on to. I'm still waiting, I'm hangin on, You're all thats left to hold onto" God knows what I mean. I know that for sure at least.

You light up my life.

This week I had visitors,of the short and cute variety. My niece Gwyneth and nephew Carson came to play in California with me. With them, they brought a light with them that I love to bask in. So innocent and beautiful. They remind me of how much I can love. They remind me of how goofy I can be. They remind me of what is important. They make me want to be a better person. Carson, pretty shortly after he got out of the car, said "You know what I love to do? Organize and clean....I do!" I said, well my little man, you've come to the right place, up to my closet with you. A seven year old that loves to organize, my kind of guy. Then there's Gwyneth. 4 year old going on at least 9. She loves High School Musical and Twilight and dancing. We danced interpretively and intensely to Depeche Mode late one night, much to Carson's horror. I took them home after three days, way too soon. There was so much more we could have done if we had the time. Driving home after dropping them off, I missed their little voices, their loud laughter, i looked in my rear view mirror and knew it was just me and the radio.

You're always after me lucky Charms

Only in America can a St Patrick's day be celebrated with corned beef and cabbage and guacamole. Maybe even only in California for that matter. We had a potluck feast, and also included in the feast were also green rice krispie treats (my own special recipe,which only really means use a whole stick of butter for extra calories and potential for heart disease) and green bagels. Well now that we've gorged ourselves...Happy St Patrick's Day everyone...

Strange Love

Oh my gosh. Bought tickets to see Depeche Mode at the Hollywood Bowl. Destined to be one of the best concerts of my lifetime. Depeche Mode in the historic Hollywood Hills. My good friend Melissa, who is of equal devotion is flying out from Minneapolis to see them with me...I met Melissa a couple of years ago in SLC. If I had met her maybe two weeks before, she would have been next to me in the front row when we both saw Depeche Mode in different sections in Salt Lake City. Somehow the stars aligned and I landed the seats. I've got the 40 30 second videos on my phone to prove it. I had always wanted to find a friend that loved them as much as me, and when I met Melissa I knew we were meant to be friends. Six months after I met her I moved back to California. She moved to Minneapolis to take a promotion (how very Mary Tyler Moore of her). She still remains the girl who gets equally giddy at the sight of Dave Gahan..sigh...strange love for sure...

Intimacy Issues

So, how messed up do you need to be when you feel like you're being smothered by a cat wanting too much from you? Oh, its not me...i'm just asking what I think is an important question.

Its just you and me,Kid

I was recently inspired by Robert's declaration of ten reasons why he loves Brian.
Why I love Diet Coke:
1. Its fizzy
2.Its caffeinated
3.It makes me happy,truly happy
4.It goes well with everything
5.Its portable in cans and bottles, whichever you prefer
6.Its a very reliable companion, can be found globally, cold in America,warm in Europe
7. It has only good intentions
8. Offers no surprises, I know where I stand
9. Its calorie free
10. Just for the taste of it, people.

Happy Birthday Danny

My brother is a man of 40 and I still call him Danny. Danny, the kid two years older than me that blew out my candles on my cake when I was too young to know the difference (do that now, and you know what will happen). Legend has it that my first words were, Danny Don't. Danny, the kid who played baseball, still see his baseball picture, on the Hawks, I think, green and white jersey,green baseball hat, his blonde hair long and kind of shaggy underneath. I remember playing with my brother Josh in the nooks and crannies of the foothills of Azusa while he played his little league games. Danny the Oldest. He is my older brother..and he will always be that just older guy that I always looked up to. He will always be the one who kind of paved the way. We watched Danny do a lot of things, and kind of knew he was the first for a reason. He had that kind of personality and spirit about him, anything is possible. Hey, Watch me Guys...not in words, but in actions.
He liked the Dodgers, Steve Garvey was his hero. Hey, I like the Dodgers too. He liked the Cars. I liked the Cars too, what a coincidence.. See a pattern? As an adult I can look back and really see that when he liked something, I wanted to be a part of his life and so hey,I liked it too. I remember the times when he included me in what he liked and still feel good when I think about it. Its his birthday today, and although some things change as we get older, some things don't. I'm happy that I have an older brother, with the same history and some of the same memories...Happy Birthday Danny..i hope this year brings all that you want to your doorstep.

Happy Valentimes Day

I'm quite impressed with myself today because this is the first year in a long time when I keep forgetting that its actually valentines day, or Valentimes as some people like to say. Usually it's a day that kind of drudges up some of the fears and angst of not being in a relationship. But i'm happy to say I've got bigger fish to fry...life is good. This contentedness may be because i've taken my fish oil today (i think it works), or it may be because it is just good.

Nothing a little prayerful introspection and Elton John can't fix

I just got back from my sunday drive. I go quite frequently to a canyon by the name of Carbon near my home in Southern Cal. It has sentimental value, as I remember driving there back when I was around 19 and my sis Beka must have been 10. It makes me feel closer to my real self and is the perfect back drop for the pondering that Sunday's tend to inspire. Today as I drove I was amazed at the green that met me. About 2 or three months ago there was a fire in this canyon that burnt a lot of the area. Driving through right after the fires, all I could see was black and all I could smell was burnt earth. What met me today, green grass and foliage covering the damaged dirt, inspired me. Renewal, in its most organic and simple form. How important it is. Where there once was burnt barren land, there is now furiously growing green. I thought about how necessary renewal is needed in my life right now.
I have recently been struggling,for months really, about keeping the calling I have at church. I am a full time student, work full time, and volunteer as a mentor. I am a busy girl. I also have always been very aware of the frequent regeneration I need to continue at a fast pace. I was called to be a secretary for my church's primary last April. When I got the calling I was excited. I was happy to help. Lately, the last few months, there has been many times that I have wanted to quit. I have wanted to tell them this is such a busy time, I don't have the energy. There's a whole bunch of religious cultural and self imposed reasons that I have not actually spoken the words. The LDS religion is one that expects a lot, because we have a lot of potential within us, and learn and grow and are sanctified through the sacrifice it takes to continue to serve. I have always believed this. I know the worth of service. Someone that expects even more than the LDS church, is me....Add the very high standards I have for myself and the high standards the church has proposed..and you get what I am..one very tired girl..one very tired girl who feels backed in a corner.
On my drive today, I also thought about how monumental the right to choose is as a human being. In order to even live and create any sort of life, and garner any pleasure or joy from it, there must be choice. I believe it is the ability to choose that is the very empowerment that the human spirit needs to live and learn.
I also realized that perhaps a lot of my disdain and lack of connectedness to my calling is my perceived lack of choice in the matter. I have convinced myself that I am doing this because I "HAVE" to...that it is because of the very strict guidelines of the church...that it is because of the lack of courage in myself to say "NO"..and various other things. As I drove today I realized that of course I have the choice, I have always had the choice, although I have lost sight of it.
This is where the importance of renewal comes in. Renewal of covenants, renewal of choices, renewal of standards..renewal of efforts. Making the choice and realizing I'm making the choice.
At the suggestion of a long time friend Stu, I visualized continuing along with the calling, and I visualized myself asking to be released. The idea was to visualize what that would look like on either side. What I found was that the visualization of letting the calling go would assuredly give me immediate relief, would allow me to be rid of the responsibility. Jen would surely be happy. When I visualized keeping the calling and continuing the way everything is now, with the same mindset, I saw nothing but frustration and continued angst.
Then, I visualized myself serving in the calling as I would want it to be. With more commitment, feeling more connected to the presidency I work with and serve, and more connected to the children. i also visualized and felt the peace and joy that comes from serving when you realize you've chosen to serve, and remember WHO I chose to serve in the first place.
Today I collected in my heart what new actions could be taken to be more connected with the women and children I serve with, and very importantly to be more connected to myself and the One I felt so strongly about serving in the first place.
After all of this reflection and knowing that I was onto something...as I drove home up the 57, out of the canyon...back to the pavement of the freeway...Elton John on the radio just about took me over the edge... Someone saved my life tonight..well its not that dramatic..but I definitely feel as if I've my spiritual heart beat has been revived.

California Dreamin

This last week I was brought sad news about Grandpa Jack, my Grandma's husband who died after suffering from pancreatic cancer. This news brought my sister Rachel and her husband Kit, along with my favorite kids Carson, Gwyneth, and Pepper, and my Mom to California for the services. Up they drove after twelve hours in the car, kids spilling out of the car, Mom,Dad and Grandma in tow. Gwyneth is in a stage in which she is enamored of Aunt Jenny. I am loving this and I am taking full advantage of it, because as four year olds can be fickle sometimes , her admiration could shift to someone else. The weekend was choc full of what California has to offer, Disneyland and the beach. I paid my respects to Grandpa Jack and was able to see Aunts and Uncles and cousins, some that I haven't seen for just about two decades. It has been too long,and it was so great to see everyone. Seeing my uncles together reminded me of how proud I felt when as a younger girl , watching my Dad standing with them, cracking jokes. My mom and aunts got emotional remembering all of the great times they had, starting their families. My dad was the oldest sibling, and one by one the 4 boys and 1 girl in their family got married, and started having children at relatively the same time. We all lived in the same neighborhoods in Southern California, and I imagine it was a really fun time for a family, having children, celebrating 1st birthdays, baptisms, little league games. The memories I have of that time, including running around in the back yard, the twilight hours,smell of eucalyptis are interwined with why I feel so content being back in Southern California. Here are my roots. I live less than five miles from the neighborhood where my memories took place. Seeing my uncles with their gray hair makes me miss my dad. Seeing my mom with my aunts makes me long to have what they had when they were young brides and moms. Leaving the funeral I felt a greater sense of and a gratitude of where I came from. How blessed I am and have been.

The Dr is in

I have long last had a crush on Dr Drew...since the days of listening to Love Lines in the 80's as I fell asleep at night. As an 18 years old, I thought he was so cool because he was so smart and grounded, and even though older than me, was much more appealing than the baffling idiot man child that they usually paired him up with. At the time in the 80's it was Poorman, in the 90's Adam Corolla. This crush on Dr Drew lay dormant for a decade or so, and has now resurfaced with the watching of Celebrity Rehab, seasons 1 and 2 and most recently Sober House. He is still so smart and so darn grounded, and now in the 2000's he is apparently working out...cuz the good Dr looks great in a tshirt. Every week whenever the inmates..or addicts i guess would get out of line..who would talk them down? Talk sense into them..you got it...what a man. Thank you VH1,you've got my vote for best music video channel that doesn't play music videos .

6 Week body Makeover

I am one week into a 6 week body makeover...this plan reminds me a lot of Body for Life, or as I like to call it Body for Three Months, because that's as long as I did it...always told myself that I would just take a couple of weeks break and then go back to continue my Body for Life, but somehow it never happened. So, eventually my fit body became body with too much fat. I've maintained a respectable weight for a while, but have decided I don't want respectable, I want delectable,so i'm making some changes. Things are going well so far, my daily intake of food is spread out over six mini meals, and all together only include 10 oz protein and 11/2 cup of good carbs. I say good carbs, not in describing the taste necessarily, but describing the nutritional contect. Carbs such as sweet potato(without butter,brown sugar and marshmallows,sigh), and brown rice, or getting really crazy, wild and brown rice. By the first week I am already a bit bored, so I'm going to shake it up...I've added, wait for it..a whole wheat tortilla as part of my good carb choices. And check this out, i've been eating vegetables.. and not to be believed by many of the people in my life, ok well anyone in my life really,I have not only curbed my easily reaching a six pack a day drinking habit of Diet Coke, I am replacing it with the clear liquid known as water to many people. I'm also incorporating the use of the resistance bands into my exercise regime. The bands that I bought about a year ago, the ones that have been sitting in the box for easily 6 months before I opened the box and realized that the DVD they were supposed to come with, was not in the box. Not sure how to use them, so Im improvising. I'm sure I can figure it out, I'm no dummy. Yes, feeling pretty good about these changes...losing inches as we speak. A new thinner than average wind is blowing...

Its Miller Time...well I'm sure for a lot of people

Friday afternoon at about 5 pm represents freedom to me.. there's a buzz in the air..whether it be because a fun weekend is planned or because relaxation is at hand. I love the feeling of anticipation...anticipation of something great..that's how i feel on Fridays at 5pm...i love it..and even though working 9 to 5 is a complete atrocity at times...there is opposition in all things and without the work week I wouldn't have the week end...its just Jen looking at the bright side...its baffling to me how well adjusted i am....

Cyber Aunt

So officially catapulted into the modern age of computers..sort of...did a video call with my niece and nephew the other night. Now I'm hooked, I'm about to talk to them right now..as I avoid my homework. Webcam to webcam, I was able to see Gwyneth and Carson battling out who got to sit in what chair. Gwyneth at one point fell backwards in her chair and started screaming..aww it was just like being there. Now I'm getting texts from 7 year old Carson, things such as jpmwjpmw jpmwjpmw....looks like he's got a handle on this texting thing...good for him.

Algebra at 37

I am 1 1/5 classes away from finishing my psychology bachelors degree. In all of the twenty years since 1989 (eighty nine, eighty night, eighty eighty eighty eighty eighty nine) I have mosied along the path of bachelors degree when I feel good and ready, none of my time or mosying was spent with Algebra. And at this moment in time I am successfuly evading my homework. The last twelve weeks of my undergraduate career are full of integers and equations, and graphs, and areas of rectangles..and i'm going crazy. I'm an analytical girl by nature...i am able to understand the subtle nuances of a therapeutic conversation between two people. I am really good at reading between the lines. After numerous psychology courses,even abnormal psych made more sense to me than this algebra they speak of. They can't tell me at 37 what they told me at 16, that I will use algebra, cuz i'm onto them...

Like a train wreck

I am equal parts repulsed and ferociously drawn to the Bachelor....is it part of our dna as women...talk amongst yourselves..

Misunderstanding Alanis

Ok, so I began blogging on Confessionsofasinglemormon girl.blogspot.com, have been blogging there under the pen name Bridget for a good part of a year. My friend ,who blogged under pen name Kris thought it would be a great idea to start a blog documenting the ups and downs of being a single mormon girl. Thank you Kris for asking me to be a part of that blog..i have graduated to my own, felt the need to branch off and reveal who I really am...not Bridget, but Jen. Single girl in California...single mormon girl...does that however define who I am? In many ways yes. Being part of a large church that values above all families...to be on your own...figuratively and sometimes literally,without a family...makes it hard to define who I am without defining who I'm not...a wife and a mother...However, when I moved back to my Native California...almost three years ago..i did so at the urgings of a very strong spiritual beckoning... an answer and confirmation to prayers came through an Alanis Morrisette song..don't laugh... and the kicker is as I look up the words just now, to the song I was listening to and thought was speaking just to me...I realize..wouldn't you know it...the words I thought she said "the need to liberate" (which is exactly what this sister needed to do)..is in actuality, in Alanis' words "I need a moment to deliberate"...well the rest is history..Jen felt the spirit, even though she couldn't tell what the Hell Alanis was saying. God works in mysterious ways...California was and is the perfect place for me to learn how to liberate..from the labels I put on myself, for the boundaries that I myself place in front of me, and the glass ceiling I am so comfortable about having right above me..i have actually been known to windex that glass ceiling...its a new year...and almost three years after I misunderstood Alanis, I am in exactly the right place, liberating before your eyes....