Nothing a little prayerful introspection and Elton John can't fix

I just got back from my sunday drive. I go quite frequently to a canyon by the name of Carbon near my home in Southern Cal. It has sentimental value, as I remember driving there back when I was around 19 and my sis Beka must have been 10. It makes me feel closer to my real self and is the perfect back drop for the pondering that Sunday's tend to inspire. Today as I drove I was amazed at the green that met me. About 2 or three months ago there was a fire in this canyon that burnt a lot of the area. Driving through right after the fires, all I could see was black and all I could smell was burnt earth. What met me today, green grass and foliage covering the damaged dirt, inspired me. Renewal, in its most organic and simple form. How important it is. Where there once was burnt barren land, there is now furiously growing green. I thought about how necessary renewal is needed in my life right now.
I have recently been struggling,for months really, about keeping the calling I have at church. I am a full time student, work full time, and volunteer as a mentor. I am a busy girl. I also have always been very aware of the frequent regeneration I need to continue at a fast pace. I was called to be a secretary for my church's primary last April. When I got the calling I was excited. I was happy to help. Lately, the last few months, there has been many times that I have wanted to quit. I have wanted to tell them this is such a busy time, I don't have the energy. There's a whole bunch of religious cultural and self imposed reasons that I have not actually spoken the words. The LDS religion is one that expects a lot, because we have a lot of potential within us, and learn and grow and are sanctified through the sacrifice it takes to continue to serve. I have always believed this. I know the worth of service. Someone that expects even more than the LDS church, is me....Add the very high standards I have for myself and the high standards the church has proposed..and you get what I am..one very tired girl..one very tired girl who feels backed in a corner.
On my drive today, I also thought about how monumental the right to choose is as a human being. In order to even live and create any sort of life, and garner any pleasure or joy from it, there must be choice. I believe it is the ability to choose that is the very empowerment that the human spirit needs to live and learn.
I also realized that perhaps a lot of my disdain and lack of connectedness to my calling is my perceived lack of choice in the matter. I have convinced myself that I am doing this because I "HAVE" to...that it is because of the very strict guidelines of the church...that it is because of the lack of courage in myself to say "NO"..and various other things. As I drove today I realized that of course I have the choice, I have always had the choice, although I have lost sight of it.
This is where the importance of renewal comes in. Renewal of covenants, renewal of choices, renewal of standards..renewal of efforts. Making the choice and realizing I'm making the choice.
At the suggestion of a long time friend Stu, I visualized continuing along with the calling, and I visualized myself asking to be released. The idea was to visualize what that would look like on either side. What I found was that the visualization of letting the calling go would assuredly give me immediate relief, would allow me to be rid of the responsibility. Jen would surely be happy. When I visualized keeping the calling and continuing the way everything is now, with the same mindset, I saw nothing but frustration and continued angst.
Then, I visualized myself serving in the calling as I would want it to be. With more commitment, feeling more connected to the presidency I work with and serve, and more connected to the children. i also visualized and felt the peace and joy that comes from serving when you realize you've chosen to serve, and remember WHO I chose to serve in the first place.
Today I collected in my heart what new actions could be taken to be more connected with the women and children I serve with, and very importantly to be more connected to myself and the One I felt so strongly about serving in the first place.
After all of this reflection and knowing that I was onto something...as I drove home up the 57, out of the canyon...back to the pavement of the freeway...Elton John on the radio just about took me over the edge... Someone saved my life tonight..well its not that dramatic..but I definitely feel as if I've my spiritual heart beat has been revived.